So J and I have been in couples therapy for a few months now. Yesterday had to have been the hardest session of them all. We argued of course and I cried ( like ugly cried) cause nothing is getting accomplished. It’s like the same issues just keep reoccurring and the therapist says we need to compromise or she just does not know what to tells us at this point, but he feels like there is nothing he needs to compromise on and neither do I as the problems exist from his side of the fence.
So let’s talk about his side of the fence honestly. Since moving here almost 5 years ago ( in May) his mother has become a huge problem. The hugest problem of them all matter of fact. Marriage and kids are another big issue as well. J is 35 & I am 34. I want kids. I want a husband. I don’t want to just live with J for another 5 years. J is for sure a mamma’s boy. His mother runs the show. His mother is in our relationship when no one actually invited her to be. I have never seen the type of mother-son dynamic they have in my life with my other relationships.
I don’t feel as if J prioritizes me. I feel very optional to him after all these years. I feel that his mom is number one then his other family members, then him, and I am last. He shows me she is number one and he does not care if i’m happy with it. He won’t put her on the back burner no matter what. His mom is very overbearing and needy. She will say or do anything in order to get her son away from me and with her.
She likes drama any way she can find it. She acts very fake around me and it makes me uncomfortable to the point of anxiety. She has caused this relationship a lot of turmoil. I did not sign up to be in a relationship with a guy and his mother. She does anything to prove her place at the top in J’s life….to show me where his loyalty lies. She has said such hurtful things to me since living here it is hard to let it go and move forward. She makes me feel like a threat to her and J’s relationship. Yet he jumps, hops, & skips whenever she wants or needs him.
It’s like I do not matter no matter how much and how hard I try to prove my place with these people or do to be accepted. I still feel like an outsider, never fully accepted.
I have sacrificed so much for this relationship like time with my own family. I do not feel at peace with where our relationship stands. It’s like he is not willing to change and fix what’s broken. His mom is forever going to be a priority and he will never see any reason for boundaries, when there clearly needs to be some in place. I feel extremely optional and just worthless.
I have no ring from J. I have no kids from J. I have no real commitment from J. It’s like he is committed to his mother and I feel as if I just have no place here. At this point, we are on a toxic merry go round and it’s exhausting y’all.
I love J. I really do or else I would not be here. I just feel like he does not love me to the point of commitment and being man enough to take care of the issues with his mother. His mom has had an issue with me since I moved here and we got our own spot. She has interfered and inserted herself into almost every aspect of our relationship and lives.
She has made it clear she does not care for me and it hurts after being nothing but nice to this person. She is like glass and I can see right through her fake attempts to make nice with me. You know how you just can tell when a person is being genuine and when they are not?
At this point I just have no choice but to try to focus on me and keep the peace because I have said all I need to say in therapy and it’s all just gotten us to a fork in the road. It’s hard when you have put a lot of time and energy and money into something just for things really not to be reciprocated back to you.
I never imagined when we were long distance that this is how it would all turn out. That his mother’s true colors would show up like pink does on bleached white clothing. I have never had a significant other’s mother have an issue with me or cause issues in my relationship like his does. She would be happy if I were not in the picture. I already am starting to feel suffocated at our apartment. I feel like I have no peace of mind. It’s not safe here y’all. I don’t feel secure here at these apartments in the last few months.
It’s like what do you do when you have tried everything: giving a person space, taking a break, couples therapy? It’s like what is left to try?
So right now, J and I are not in a good place at all, even couples therapy can’t help us.