So glad to be over the rocky place J and I were in the last post. Things have been pretty good with us lately. It’s just one day at a time for me. It feels good to have some relief from the rough patch. To be on the other side of the chaos and confusion and hurt. I am so glad things are better. It was a scary place we were in. I’m just glad to be out of it honestly.
This latest hurricane has me a bit on edge to the point that I had to turn off the news. I’m glad we are away from where it is hitting hardest at. I pray there won’t be any fatalities though for those impacted by the hurricane. Things have been okay recently and pretty smooth sailing since my last post relationship wise.
I hope everyone is staying safe from covid & everything else going on in the world. Just wanted to do a quick update.
Lately things have been quite rocky with J and I. We have been arguing a lot. So much to the point where we feel so disconnected. It’s not a good feeling. We barely communicate here recently. It’s a scary place to be in y’all. We are really struggling and it’s hard to try and keep a relationship going, when it’s just you making a conscious effort. I love J, I really do. I just feel like somethings need to change in order for us to succeed. It’s so difficult to resolve conflict, when things just get swept under the rug. I get tired. Tired of trying. Tired of trying to prove I am important. Tired of not being heard. I learned a long time ago not to beg for love. Not to beg for a person to see your worth.
I find myself doing this in so many ways lately just to be heard. Just to be seen as someone that’s trying to fix it. Even though it feels like it’s doing nothing to fix anything.
My mental health is not that good right now. I’m pretty much depressed and exhausted physically. I have been looking for new jobs with no luck. I miss my family. I miss Texas. I want to work things out if possible, but if not, we will have to figure out what’s next for each of us. I never imagined getting to year 6 & facing so much hurt and pain. I never imagined J and I in this dark place facing so many obstacles. I hope we get out of this rocky place, but who knows.
So I had a dr’s appt. yesterday and my diabetes levels are back up again. My vitamin D levels are low again. Who knew your levels are suppose to be at 30….& mine is 19.5??😵💫It’s like one step forward, 10 steps back. The last few months have been super stressful, but I was not expecting the results I got from my primary care provider. I had a fucking nervous breakdown today. It’s too much going on with my family, too many decisions needing to be made, mental health is suffering & now this….physical health basically in the trash. I was literally in tears hyperventilating telling J I wanted to jump off a cliff because i’m sick of everything right now.
I have been a diabetic since 17’ and I had it pretty controlled for awhile, but not right now. I went from a 5.5 a few months ago to now a 7.7.😢😢😢 It’s going to take alot to get it back down. I really fell off the wagon y’all. Since I last got it checked, I have been pretty stressed and not taking care of myself, cause let’s face it I have not been caring about taking care of me. I have put me at the bottom due to everything happening around me. Do you ever just feel like you can’t win for losing in life?
A great friend of mine asked me a question recently. The question was “when are you going to start loving yourself?” With tears in my eyes, I said “I don’t know.” After everything that has transpired this past week, maybe I finally have the answer. Now. I’m going to start loving myself now.
It’s clear no one else is going to do it. Everyone around me seems so wrapped up in family drama & societal ways of the world. I have to get back to me right now seriously before there is no me left. I tend to put so much before me. Work, School, Relationships, Other People’s Problems. Instead I should have been putting me first all along.
It’s so much on my mind tonight. I’m not in the mood to journal it all. I really gotta get back on track, even though jumping off a cliff seems like a solution at times to all my problems. Speaking of problems the agency has disappeared on me, not sure if I mentioned that in my last post or not. So here we go again looking for a new place to save me from myself. Honestly who cares at this point. Today feels like i’m drowning more than swimming. If you read all of this, your time is appreciated.
Have you ever just been ready to let something go? Something traumatic? Something painful? This is the part that I am at. I’m ready to let all that happened at my last job go. I’m ready to be at peace. I tried taking the meds from the psych nurse but they made me deathly ill feeling, so I have been taking my anxiety meds.Fighting depression is hard. It’s hard trying to climb out of the dark hole to the point where you would rather stay in it. Just cause you are use to it you know? I have been journaling alot this last week and it has been good for me so far.
I’m just ready to push past this dark moment and get back into my light where I belong. I’m ready to figure out what is next for me and go confident and fearlessly into the unknown. I have been listening to alot of podcasts and setting alot of boundaries. I have just been trying to get back to myself and focus more on me. It’s been alot of ups and downs in my life, but I am hanging in there. Trying to get better then the day before. Just ready to regain my peace and sense of self worth which is a journey in itself.
So since the last time I was here, I got a referral to a awesome place via my primary and it has been a good experience so far. I have started new meds and therapy this week. It feels good to set some boundaries and have some space. I’m a bit nervous of if the meds will work or not, so cross your fingers. Hoping this combo will take a lot of the edge and irritation off.
I was talking to my therapist about everything that has been transpiring and she says I need to do whats best for me and focus on me by putting some distance between all the drama etc. So for this week, I am focusing on putting down alot of my heavy baggage, like disappointed from TJX, pain from the past etc. so I can breathe and regain my peace.
Yesterday J & I celebrated 6 years of being in a relationship. It’s crazy to think it has been that long since we have been together. We closed the distance over 4 years ago. It’s been a lot of ups and downs in the last few years, but we have made it to Year 6. I’m excited to see how much we grow in this year of us. How we navigate the bumps in the road. No relationship is perfect and it takes a lot of work to hang in there long term. A relationship is like a roller coaster. It has ups and downs and twists and turns.
Relationships take forgiveness and communication. They need time as a couple and separately to grow. You can’t have a rainbow without rain. Life is about evolving and changing to be better versions of yourself. People can evolve together or people can evolve alone. Love is many things. Love is not perfect. People are not perfect, but you can be great. Its not always sunshine and rainbows, love will be tested and life will test you too, but you can conquer the trials together as long as you remain on the same accord. You can conquer the test life throws at you and your relationship together. It takes a lot to know ones self in the absence of another person, but it’s important to know yourself and spend time with yourself even when in a relationship.
In other news, I applied for unemployment last month due to the whole TJ Maxx situation & to my surprise they approved my case. Yes, I quit, but I was under duress to do so and explained everything to the case worker when they called and got approved recently. Thank God! I’m so glad that they saw that TJX was in the wrong and treated me poorly. I’m glad that it all worked out in my favor, even though I went through hell. I’m still waiting for the official document from unemployment, but they have started paying me for the last three weeks I filed. I’m just glad to have some financial cushion and relief.
Speaking of relief, I finally got my anxiety meds to the right dosage after I almost cried explaining the ordeal to my primary. They wrote me the medicine. Thank God for that as well. They were my last resort. So things are slowly getting better for me at this point.
The very last day of May. Whew has it been a whirlwind of a month! This month started off with me finally finding the strength to let go of what was no longer serving me: TJ Maxx! I have so much anxiety since leaving that place and just so many emotions surrounding the whole situation. I have tried on multiple occasions to get some anxiety meds this month and to no avail. Its frustrating when you need meds but can’t seem to get them.
My chest has been so tight and clenched this month. Its uncomfortable just laying in bed most nights. It’s just a struggle constantly dealing with anxiety and feeling like you can’t breathe.
I’m so glad that this month is over today though & that I have had some time to focus on me & having time to reflect in general. I’m ready for June & all the great things ahead and to leave all the toxic energy, second guessing, and negative vibes from TJ Maxx in this month. I’m so excited for a fresh month with fresh goals and dreams!✨✨
This month has been a roller coaster it seems. I’m so glad it is coming to a close soon. It’s been alot of stress and anxiety these last two weeks for me. I have been doing a lot more self-care. I have been so all over the place in my head. That’s definitely my ADHD. My migraines have been annoying me as well. I wish one day I could be free of these headaches.
I can’t wait to get my anxiety under control. I promise y’all some days I can barely function. The anxiety is that heavy. I just feel so fearful and on edge right now. I hate that it takes so long to get mental help here. It’s like i’m constantly drowning & no one is paying attention.
I have been enjoying having time to myself. I have been having some anxiety and panic about my toxic job experience at TJX. It’s just scary that this is how these jobs treat people. I feel like people should not be treated differently just because they are different. I have accomplished so much in the last 5 years & really have grown & stepped out of my comfort zone.
I’m hanging in there if it most days that is barely.
So this past Saturday I finally got to celebrate me graduating with an actual commencement. It was a joyous occasion finally getting the ceremony that I deserved despite Covid-19. My head has been hurting for 3 days straight, so I got a pain shot at my doctor’s office, but the migraine is still there. My blood pressure was elevated (149/95), so I got my medicine changed.
It’s been a whole week since I left TJX and my anxiety has subsided some, but I really need to focus on my health alot more. I have to put me 1st. It’s just time to do it. I’m 33 & I want things out of life, but I have to get myself right. It’s been some stressful things occurring family wise that had me stressed out. I really have to remind myself that I can’t worry about things at home that I have no control over.
Since leaving TJX, I have time to take care of me and my over all health. I deserve to love myself and treat myself with care and compassion. I deserve rest and to relax. I deserve self-care. I’m just glad to have time to focus on me for once instead of that toxic job that sucked the life out of me and drained my mental health.
What do you do in the name of self-care?