December Got Here Quickly….

Time has flown a bit since I have last wrote here. Grad School is still going forward and J and I are great still. I finally met with the specialist about my delicate issue and I’m praying things get resolved soon with all of that. I have been going to church a lot more and it feels so good to be getting my spiritual self what it needs. I even have a devotional and have been praying a lot more.

It is so crazy how December has snuck up on us this year. I love Christmas time and going home to Texas is still in the air, but i’m hoping depending on my delicate issue and the plans with that I can make it home. Christmas music has been in full effect and I just love this time of year. I feel like i’m going stir crazy in this apartment and in this state. I ‘m more than ready to have a change of scenery and folks y’all. I’m so glad I got christmas shopping done last month. I have been focusing a bit more on self-care because its been a lot of stress in my life. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life and places I want to go and grow in.

Winter Break is less than 2 weeks away and God knows i’m ready for it. I have been going with grad school since January so a 2-week break is over due for me. The closer it gets to the end of the year I promise the more impulse spending I have done. That brings me to next year, I have created a lot of money goals and i’m looking forward to graduating with my masters next summer and maybe taking a couple of trips.

I hope December will be good to us all and that you can look back on 2022 and see how far you have come. I definitely started the year on a high note even if I was slammed with more health concerns than expected. I have learned to prioritize me more because you can pour from a empty cup. So I look forward to pouring my cup to overflow where I can help others without feeling obligated. I want to read more leisurely outside of school, maybe finish The Prosperity Bible in 2023. I plan to take more care of me than placing me on the back burner for other. Love yourself y’all as we all are a work in progress.

Let me know what you are looking forward to and some goals for 2023 that you have.

💐Norah

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Life Has Been Busy.

Life has been pretty busy lately. Grad School is moving right along y’all. I am more than halfway through the program at this point. Thank God!
J’s birthday was yesterday. We went out to breakfast and went to the casino which was pretty fun. My birthday was last month and I celebrated by having a mini getaway at a nice hotel and a even better dinner and J got me some roses that were really beautiful.

My anxiety has been through the rough for days since submitting my final project for my course this week. I’m glad to have all this work knocked out though as my new course starts tomorrow. I can’t wait to get to the end of grad school as time is moving right along it seems.

I’m glad J and I are in a good place and things are a bit smoother all around for us. I’m debating the idea of going home for Christmas this year, as I have not seen my family since the beginning of the year.

If it’s not one thing then it is definitely usually another thing y’all. I have been experiencing some health issues for months now that just seem to get progressively worse as time goes on, so it’s been quite the struggle to do things as I normally would since i’m in pain a lot now. I’m doing through research as I wait for a referral to a specialist concerning the delicate issue.

Overall, i’m still here hanging in there and pushing forward while prioritizing self-care.

-Norah

Better Days Finally.

So J and I are in a really really good space lately. In June, he took a vacation to see some family. I pushed through month 6 of graduate school. Yay Me! I recently started implementing Google Calendar into my life along with my planner. It has been a game changer for hour for hour productivity. Things have been a lot smoother with his mom and me as well. We ( J & I) have just been really good relationship wise. It feels good to be out of the rough patch zone honestly.

I’m learning to be more private about my life as today has been one of those days where I have reached my limit of going out of my way for people. I have been doing a lot of reading since I was last here. I have read Care Package by Sylvester McNutt and Boundaries by Nedra Tawwab. It has been very transformational. I have been working to protect my peace and vibrational energy lately.

Grad school has definitely been a learning curve for me, but I have made it this far and i’m proud of myself for that. I recently told my mom and she was very proud of me and happy, yet some others were not. Yet we all know “the rabbit can’t be worried about the ways of the turtle” as my favorite rapper T.I. says. I started a motivational affirmation board to keep me on track with my goal to graduate next summer and nothing or no one is going to get in the way of that.

So I have been doing a lot of self reflecting and growing since my last blog here and it has been great! Each day is up and down and today is a bit of a down day and i’m highly in my feelings. So it feels good to write here. Some days are major struggles to get through and others are smooth sailing I suppose.

Today i’m in my feelings about somethings that hurt me from my family’s actions, so I decided to just take some space from them because people are selfish for no reason and expect you to drop everything for them as if you have no life of your own. Sorry not sorry but, Norah is doing what’s best for her from here and whoever does not like it who cares.

You have to choose you….even if it means cutting people off.

You matter and will always be your longest committment.

Norah💜

When you just feel neglected & don’t know what to do…

So I have been feeling extremely neglected by J and it just gets worse it seems as time goes on. I give to him until there is nothing left for me. I’m stressed and exhausted all the time and these headaches are a nightmare. I never imagined 5 years after closing the distance, I would be this unhappy with J. That we would have all the issues. That all the promises made would never be kept. Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that I was just some type of come up for him and he takes his stress, anger and frustrations out on me every time.

It’s like I start to just feel worthless and like this relationship is anything but that at this point. If you have been keeping up with this blog you can see the decline in our relationship since closing the distance. I have goals and things i’m trying to accomplish and this relationship, if you can even call it that is distracting me.
I matter and I am important.

I just feel like he does not care about me really and I just have been slowly stepping away from the relationship since like last year. We can’t even talk without fighting. Sometimes you can love someone at the expense of your own happiness and well being and I feel like that is what has happened here. The only real apology is changed behavior and no matter what I say and how I try to address my needs they are never met. It’s just all about J all the time and of course his family. I never imagined we would be here at almost 7 years, but sometimes love does not go as we envisioned.

I’m just so tired of being neglected emotionally and it’s hard to say if anything will be salvaged. I have done more than enough for this relationship to work since closing the distance and it just all feels like it is for nothing and in vain.
I have to save me and love me because he clearly does not care for me as he made it seem. I have to find me and put her 1st as he does not seem to make this relationship of any importance. A person can only take so much neglect and emotional abuse and gaslighting until it’s just too much and when you are unhappy more than happy and have tried every thing with nothing changing over months….what even is the point? Just to stay in tears and always hurt?

I’m 34 & I want to be happy and healthy in or out of a relationship. A relationship should not have to be this hard to maintain…ever….especially when you feel you are being neglected.

Couples Therapy Can’t Even Help Us With Our Issues.

So J and I have been in couples therapy for a few months now. Yesterday had to have been the hardest session of them all. We argued of course and I cried ( like ugly cried) cause nothing is getting accomplished. It’s like the same issues just keep reoccurring and the therapist says we need to compromise or she just does not know what to tells us at this point, but he feels like there is nothing he needs to compromise on and neither do I as the problems exist from his side of the fence.

So let’s talk about his side of the fence honestly. Since moving here almost 5 years ago ( in May) his mother has become a huge problem. The hugest problem of them all matter of fact. Marriage and kids are another big issue as well. J is 35 & I am 34. I want kids. I want a husband. I don’t want to just live with J for another 5 years. J is for sure a mamma’s boy. His mother runs the show. His mother is in our relationship when no one actually invited her to be. I have never seen the type of mother-son dynamic they have in my life with my other relationships.

I don’t feel as if J prioritizes me. I feel very optional to him after all these years. I feel that his mom is number one then his other family members, then him, and I am last. He shows me she is number one and he does not care if i’m happy with it. He won’t put her on the back burner no matter what. His mom is very overbearing and needy. She will say or do anything in order to get her son away from me and with her.

She likes drama any way she can find it. She acts very fake around me and it makes me uncomfortable to the point of anxiety. She has caused this relationship a lot of turmoil. I did not sign up to be in a relationship with a guy and his mother. She does anything to prove her place at the top in J’s life….to show me where his loyalty lies. She has said such hurtful things to me since living here it is hard to let it go and move forward. She makes me feel like a threat to her and J’s relationship. Yet he jumps, hops, & skips whenever she wants or needs him.

It’s like I do not matter no matter how much and how hard I try to prove my place with these people or do to be accepted. I still feel like an outsider, never fully accepted.

I have sacrificed so much for this relationship like time with my own family. I do not feel at peace with where our relationship stands. It’s like he is not willing to change and fix what’s broken. His mom is forever going to be a priority and he will never see any reason for boundaries, when there clearly needs to be some in place. I feel extremely optional and just worthless.

I have no ring from J. I have no kids from J. I have no real commitment from J. It’s like he is committed to his mother and I feel as if I just have no place here. At this point, we are on a toxic merry go round and it’s exhausting y’all.

I love J. I really do or else I would not be here. I just feel like he does not love me to the point of commitment and being man enough to take care of the issues with his mother. His mom has had an issue with me since I moved here and we got our own spot. She has interfered and inserted herself into almost every aspect of our relationship and lives.

She has made it clear she does not care for me and it hurts after being nothing but nice to this person. She is like glass and I can see right through her fake attempts to make nice with me. You know how you just can tell when a person is being genuine and when they are not?

At this point I just have no choice but to try to focus on me and keep the peace because I have said all I need to say in therapy and it’s all just gotten us to a fork in the road. It’s hard when you have put a lot of time and energy and money into something just for things really not to be reciprocated back to you.

I never imagined when we were long distance that this is how it would all turn out. That his mother’s true colors would show up like pink does on bleached white clothing. I have never had a significant other’s mother have an issue with me or cause issues in my relationship like his does. She would be happy if I were not in the picture. I already am starting to feel suffocated at our apartment. I feel like I have no peace of mind. It’s not safe here y’all. I don’t feel secure here at these apartments in the last few months.

It’s like what do you do when you have tried everything: giving a person space, taking a break, couples therapy? It’s like what is left to try?

So right now, J and I are not in a good place at all, even couples therapy can’t help us.

Nora💔

Same Things, Different Year..

It’s like I love J, but I thought things would be different after I came back from Texas last month. It seems like lately we are back in the same habits. One moment we are getting along, the next we are down each other’s throats. We celebrated valentine’s day the day before. Then we have been having more arguments lately.

I really thought me coming back here was a good idea initially and things would be better, but it feels and seems like it has gotten worse. It’s like I’m on one page & he is on another. I can’t keep asking for the same thing over and over and not getting it. I expected more from him and this whole relationship when I decided to come back. It’s like when do I get my happy ending? Life before we closed the distance was so completely different.

Since closing the distance and me moving here to Louisiana it has not being smooth sailing. I have been with J for over 6.5 yrs and I feel like where is the progression from when we closed the distance til now?

Where is everything you promised me?

2022….Not What I Was Expecting.

It’s crazy how complicated life gets y’all. This year has not started off on the high note that I expected it to. I’m not some perfect person & I make mistakes. I learned some lessons recently. You can’t trust anyone really. All you have is yourself and God. The journey can be so painful and hard to travel alone. Yet you can’t bring someone on every journey.

So I face a lot of things by myself and I just have to pray my way through. People can not be trusted at all. My social media accounts have been hacked in the last week, so i’m leery about it all right now.

I don’t know who to trust right now and just need to back away to breathe. The internet is not always the safest place to make ”friends” cause they can be wolves in sheep clothing. Planning your down fall.

Happy New Year!🥳

So glad to have made it into 2022! J and I ended up taking a break last month and I came home. It was very much needed to get some time apart as we were in such a toxic cycle and things were just not working.

So by week’s end, I will go back to Louisiana and J and I have talked a lot since being apart, and have agreed to try and work things out. I just hope that after 2 weeks apart, we can implement our plan and make things work, but if not, it will not be the end of my world.

In order to make it work, it’s going to take work on both our parts. I’m just hoping we can begin again on a clean slate and put the plan into action that we have discussed.

We must do what makes us happy and live our lives. People will talk no matter what. Sometimes space is needed for clarity to be obtained.

I’m grateful to have this time at home with my family. It’s been almost 2 years since I have been here and even though it’s under the circumstances, i’m blessed with this time.

Now I need to get better. I got sick around the 24th & it’s been rough. Getting healthy is a main goal for me this year. I hope 2022 brings peace, happiness, joy, & love to y’all.

Norah💜

5 Days Before Christmas…

So much for a happy holiday season. We can’t even see eye to eye. He decided he does not want to go to therapy anymore as a couple today. It’s like he does not do the things suggested any way. It hurts always feeling like you are giving your best all the time while the other person does not even care.

The issues were reoccurring and not being resolved on our own, so I brought up therapy, he rejected it in August then 2 months ago was with it. Now he does not see the point. Last week was a hard week. Hard emotionally, just hard in therapy. Hard to hear the truth so bluntly. It’s like I have done everything I possibly can and he can’t even do the bare minimum for me, yet he claims he loves me and wants the relationship. It sure does not feel that way anymore.

If a damn professional can’t resolve our issues, what is there left to be done?

Jump off a bridge just to be seen and heard?!

Life seemed so easier when we were LDR vs. reality of this three-way circus i’m in.

I love him, but therapy really opened my eyes to what he truly wants & right now it does not feel like that person is me.

You should not have to beg to mean something to someone, not have to beg for boundaries that are clearly needed, beg to be heard and seen, beg to be loved.

5 days before Christmas and this is my life, 2021.